Only if I could or if I had the guts to just pack my things and leave. Seriously. I can’t help but feel more and more like leaving as the days go by. Being here has been so stressful and it gets even more stressful each day. I know this poster has been around for some weeks now and I’ve always thought ‘Oh, I wish. Only if…..’ But this week, that feeling grew stronger than ever.
Sometimes I feel like I make my life more complicated than it should be. I’m constantly stressed about looking for a job that would sponsor me and help me get a working visa since if I don’t, I would have to leave the country in less than a year. I can’t even do simple things like getting a phone plan without paying ridiculous amount of deposit. I can’t rent an apartment easily and just being in a foreign country with no support system (i.e. Parents) makes it ridiculously annoying and difficult. I’ve had to learn so many things from scratch (starting from doing the laundry to filing taxes) without having anyone to really learn from or give me advice on. I know more about this stuff than my parents do now. Simple things like moving becomes so much harder without having parents who can just drive up and help you and when I was in college, not having anywhere to go/sleep during holidays sucked. I know that these little stressful things won’t be necessary if I just simply bought a ticket and left – and went back home.
Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to do so. What’s stopping me? So many things and people I love that I can’t bare to leave behind. But more importantly, ME and my ambition. Yes, things would be so much easier for me to just let things go here and find a new place to settle (after all, that’s what I love to do) but at the same time, I know that this is just a part of growing up and living in a new place. I know that wherever I go, I’ll find some kind of obstacle. I also know for a fact that even though going back home and settling there sounds amazing at the moment (I could really use cheap rent, a tan, a massage and a glass of mojito) I will not be happy constantly feeling like I could always do more and that I was missing out on things. I am not ready to settle and I knew coming from the beginning that achieving my goals and my dreams was not easy. I have so much more to learn and to experience. I really want to not stop growing as a person, as a professional and I can’t settle at a place where it would make me feel like I was stuck at the same place forever.
I don’t know which is braver.. facing the problems, getting through them and toughing it out here or being able to pack things up, let go of some things and just simply leave. Both seems pretty cowardly to me. Either way, it would be like avoiding the obstacles I face now but I really do admire those people that can just pack up and leave to live their life… Conclusion is, I’m too greedy because I want all of those things without the problems in life and I’m scared of the uncertainties to just leave even if I wanted to.
Those of you out there, traveling and living your life, I admire you.