When I sit by the harbor, watching the still water, my mind wanders in all different directions. As I was sitting by the harbor in the dark, my thoughts took me back to four years ago – almost exactly four years ago when I first landed in Boston. After graduating high school, instead of being excited about going to a new place and starting a new chapter in my life, I was miserable. I spent the entire summer in Korea before flying to the U.S. hating the fact that time was going so fast.
I may have been dreading the fact that I had to start school and start studying after an amazing three-months break.. or maybe I was dreading the fact that I had to be away from friends and family and that I had to start all over again. But now that I look back at that time, I think I was dreading the fact that there was nothing ‘permanent’ in my life. I no longer had the privilege of knowing what was going to happen day by day and year after another. Instead, I was in the midst of uncertainty.
Four years ago when I landed in Boston, I sat by the harbor looking far out and thought to myself ‘now what?’ I have four years of school… and then what? Maybe I’ll go back to Cambodia.. maybe to Korea.. or stay here.. who knows? I thought I’d have it all figured out eventually.
Now that I’ve reached my four-year anniversary in Boston, I sat staring at the harbor and realized that I was more confused and uncertain than ever. I studied what I wanted to study, I interned and now I’m at a job doing what I love. But I look back and realized how much I’ve changed yet some things are still the same. I initially came thinking I wanted to go into nonprofits and advocacy work – one experience led to another and now I’m working in a global company – but now that I’m where I had planned to be, I feel like there’s so much more out there I still need to explore.
Four years later, I sit in the same spot, staring far out and think ‘what now?’ Seems like nothing had changed. I’m still as confused as ever and nothing in my life is permanent… once again. But this time it’s different – I’m no longer dreading the fact that my life is full of uncertainties and that there’s nothing permanent right now. Instead, I’m nervous – a little scared but excited. It’s the heart-pounding adrenaline rush you get before going on stage – almost feel sick to my stomach that I want to throw up. Am I ready for what’s to come next? Maybe.. probably not.. but if I sit here keep asking myself if I’m ready, I’ll never be.
Don’t be scared about the uncertainty – be excited for the infinite possibilities.
Yea, I’m letting go of all the ‘plans’ and ‘expectations’ I’ve built for myself in the past 4 years but plans change… right? It’s definitely time for a new plan. Where will I be this time next year? I don’t know.. I genuinely don’t know.